What are emotional pitfalls and how can I guard against them?

What is an emotional pitfall? First, we must look at the definition of pitfall. The dictionary defines pitfall as a hidden or unsuspected danger or difficulty. Therefore, an emotional pitfall would be a hidden or unsuspected danger or difficulty that is tied to our emotions. There are several emotional pitfalls that we can fall into when entering relationship with others. These pitfalls include lack of personal identity, chasing happiness, guilty conscience, caretaking behaviors, undealt with pain, self-blaming, fear of dysfunction, and perfectionism.

1. Lack of Personal Identity – When we do not have a grasp on who we are as an individual, this can breed codependence. When we do not have foundation on who we are, our values, choices, privacy, time, and emotions, we tend to look for others to guide and direct those segments of our life. This is called codependency. Codependency will never result in a healthy relationship.
2. Chasing Happiness – When we look for external things or other people to make us happy, we start the cycle of chasing happiness. External things will never make us truly happy. If we look to others to make us happy, we will also be chasing people to make us happy. This leads to going from relationship to relationship once someone or something no longer “makes us” happy. It is our choice on whether we choose internal happiness. External happiness is fleeting, internal happiness is more constant.
3. Guilty Conscience – When we feel responsible for others, this can lead to unhealthy boundaries. Aside from taking care of children or dependents, we are only responsible for ourselves.
4. Caretaking Behaviors – When we find fulfillment in being the one who is needed, this can lead to micromanaging, and enabling behaviors. When we focus our attention on others, we also tend to neglect ourselves and our own self-care strategies.
5. Undealt with Pain – The belief that time can heal all things is deceiving. Time can make the healing process easier, if we are doing the work that healing requires. Time can heal but we must do the hard work to process and deal with the feelings and emotions behind the pain.
6. Self-Blaming – When we are in the habit of self-blaming, this most likely means that we also have a habit of negative self-talk. Negative self-talk can lead to low self-esteem, low self-confidence, and passive tendencies. Building self-confidence starts by building positive self-talk habits.
7. Fear of Dysfunction – When we feat dysfunction, it’s a catch 22. In life, most things are imperfect and therefore dysfunctional. When we keep everyone at an arms-length to avoid getting hurt or being vulnerable, we are also taking a passenger approach to our life. Dysfunction will happen, when we build our confidence, we can handle dysfunction better.
8. Idealism/Perfectionism – When we hold ourselves or others to such high standards it makes a healthy relationship with ourselves or others very difficult. These idealistic or perfectionistic tendencies remove freedom for others to be themselves, and room for mistakes. Making mistakes is part of being human.